The noise of the wind whispered in the darkness, its rhythmic sound breaking against the trees in my back garden. From there, a deceptive tranquillity masked the storms that brewed in my heart! I was sitting alone in my kitchen, my fingers clutching the beaded waist-belly chains I had been wearing for the first time (it's believed in my country that it protects you against “bad eyes”), the repetitive motion soothing my restless thoughts.
People around me see me as a beacon of strength – a person who defied the odds – did her studies to a PhD level –, and inspired others to dream beyond the limitations of their circumstances. But there is one thing I had never told anyone, or at least not in a blog post like this!
I was still miserable. I realised, as I grew older, that the effects of childhood trauma still lingered in me. I carried it in a way my heart sank when someone raised their voice, In a way I avoid certain places, In a way I carried myself as independent, strong, self-reliant, and can do anything without anyone's help. In a way, I smile and inspire positivity everywhere I go so that no one notices that I am sad, because deep down I want everyone to feel happy and not as miserable as I am. In a way, I pushed myself to study and earned my degrees to show that I’m enough and capable, In a way the library became my sanctuary, and In a way I carried my perfectionism in everything I try to do.
But, no matter how hard I tried to push the memories away and rationalise them, they surfaced in unexpected ways: In a dream that stole my sleep away, In the ache of shame, In the distrust that kept my relationships with people at arm's length.
However, through my work and study with others across the globe, I have met people, particularly top professional women, with their own stories of struggle and survival. Even the ones I admired and thought had everything together. I realised that I'm not the only one and that, it's normal to feel that way, and that nothing is inherently wrong with me.
I began to read psychology books (I did a degree and master on it), following people who implement trauma-informed in their work, and learned that my reactions – fear, shame, mistrust etc – are not weaknesses but trauma responses.
Healing is a process that requires patience, support, and radical self-compassion. Take the time you need to heal, make yourself a priority, and remember, IT IS OK not to feel OK all the time!
The struggle is Real but so are your Emotions!
😊
Edilia
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